USS Barack Obama Too Large to Fit in the Strait of Hormuz

Navy officials measured the ship at ease, not attention

By: Ace Parker 

CASINO BOOGIE (CBE)- 

The United States Navy had to admit a major miscalculation in its effort to secure the Strait of Hormuz when it was discovered that the USS Barack Obama was too large to penetrate the inlet. The USS Mike Pence has been sent in its place. 

“It was a complete oversight on our part. We were so focused on munitions that we neglected to measure the girth of the vessel in the first place. Luckily for us, ol’ Pence can fit in the Strait without the Strait even knowing it’s actually in there,” Navy Commander Dick Richards told Casino Boogie. 

In addition to the USS Obama, the USS Lyndon Baines Johnson also had to change course. The destroyer, affectionately nicknamed “Jumbo,” was also found to be too mammoth for the mission. 

President Trump says he plans to deploy several naval ships to fill in the gaps that Pence is too small for. The USS Clinton will set sail after its cigars are smoked. The USS Franklin Delano Roosevelt will deploy after it is done putting sushi restaurants into internment malls. The USS George W. Bush is unable to assist the effort because it’s in a bathtub next to a rubber ducky. 

When asked why the gold-plated decadent monstrosity known as the USS Donald Trump wasn’t joining the fight, Commander Dick Richards replied, “The USS Trump is busy being pier-ended in Israel. It most likely won’t run right for a while.” 

The rerouting of the USS Obama is set to cause a major delay in the conflict in Iran. Members of the press began to suggest alternatives such as greasing the boat's hull so it’ll slip in easier, or perhaps entering at an angle, inch by inch. But most of Commander Dick’s responses sounded like the lyrics of Beyoncé’s “Ego”. “It’s too big. It’s too wide. It won’t fit.”

All of this comes in the wake of the USS Abraham Lincoln spending more than 250 days at sea during its extended deployment to the Middle East, with reports of mounting strain among its crew. Several sailors have reportedly gone overboard during the deployment, adding to concerns about the toll the unusually long mission has taken on the carrier's crew. 

Pressure is mounting as this conflict reaches the head. Sorry, a head. The conflict reaches a head. Members of the USS Abraham Lincoln feel shafted. Navy officials search for a Goldilocks region between the well-endowed LBJ and Obama ships, and the baby-sized Pence dinghy. Unfortunately, the one ship that fits the protocol, the USS Al Gore, is too busy fighting the super-cereal, totally real crisis known as ManBearPig. President Trump and the Navy remain confident and committed to finding a vessel to bring the Strait to a climax. 

Ace Parker 

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