10 Ways To Show Your Wife You’re Ready To Be A Stay-At-Home Sire
By: Ace Parker
CASINO BOOGIE (CBE) — Men. I know the feeling.
You’re 30+ years old.
Married.
Night after night, you’re still sleeping through the night uninterrupted.
Perhaps drinking as many beers as you can every single weekend.
You’re simply trying to enjoy your life when you scroll past another friend’s Instagram of their kids.
There they are, pushing little Johnny on a swing on a Tuesday afternoon.
Making homemade lunches while watching Maury Povich.
Playing with old toys and taking midday naps.
And you’re stuck swinging hammers on a job site or crunching numbers in an office like some incel autist.
You think to yourself, “Hey, I wish I were at home playing with Legos and practically doing nothing all day, too.” And yet you’re still waiting for your wife to be ready to have kids of your own.
Trust me, fellas — I know the feeling. And that’s why I’m going to show you 10 easy steps to prove — and subliminally brainwash — your old lady into taking the leap.
Here are my ten easy ways to slip one through her wickets.
Get a dog. For no reason to do with this whatsoever. Just do it. They’re fuckin’ awesome.
Quit your job or get fired. Burden her with the sole responsibility of being the breadwinner. This will feed directly into a few of my other tips, and getting fired in epic fashion can feel quite liberating.
Do all the housework. It’ll reduce her opportunities for those sudden “headaches” when you’ve got a concrete one-way in your jeans that needs deflating. And don’t forget what Wayne Gretzky said: You miss 100% of the shots she’s too tired for.
When you have to carry something in front of her, cradle it like a baby. No matter the size. If it’s a can of Pringles, a pillow, a bar of soap, or even one single loose Pringle chip — cradle it. This’ll work on a subconscious level.
Shit your pants in front of her once a week, and then wipe your own ass. This proves you definitely know how to do it. Diaper duty will look like child’s play. Can you believe I stumbled across this gem BY ACCIDENT?
If you haven’t got a dog by now, get one. Not only will you have somebody to play fetch with, but it’ll demonstrate responsibility.
Replace her dailies with Pez.
Send her sexy emails at work all day, every day. “Babe… I shaved my coin purse today. Dinner’s ready, the house is spotless, and I’m ready to make flippy-floppy with you ALL NIGHT!” You want to completely inundate her with thoughts about shagging. This’ll give you a few more at-bats each month and could expedite the process by accident.
Constantly bring up her friends who already have kids and gush about how brave and strong they are. “Wow, Jeanie just had her second kid. What a warrior.” “Sarah sure is brave having her third kid, don’t you think? Was she always the leader of your pack?” The female species is known to move mountains just to compete with friends they probably don’t even like. By frequently trolling her, you could really drive your swimmers into the pool and through the finish line. Operation Warp Speed.
Use deep reverse psychology. Yeah, that’s right — two can play that game, mama! If nothing seems to work, just give up. But give up with everything you have. Go to the bar every night. Go on debauched male-bonding trips to Vegas. Send the message through action: if there’s no reason for you to be home all night, you’re not staying in. Crash your car. Get a DUI. Give me exactly what I want or face the consequences. This might sound like extortion, borderline terrorism, or actual full-blown terrorism. That’s why I saved it for last. Sometimes these bitches need a little push. Trust me, she’ll thank you for it when the little brat heads off to college someday.
Well, those are some of the ways I conned my alleged loved one into giving me an excuse to play with action figures again. What do you guys think? Do any of you out there have any tips you’d like to share? Leave a comment below!
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