Exclusive Interview With Freddy Krueger!

“I’m Innocent!”

***PREVIEW FROM TRICKS AND TREATS! AVAILABLE 10/23!!!

By: Ace Parker

Forty years after being charred like a steak cooked by a battered wife, Springwood’s most notorious resident breaks his silence about the suburban sex scandal that destroyed his life.

Securing an exclusive interview with a celebrity is never an easy task. But when the celebrity only lives in your nightmares, all bets are off. After several attempts at correspondence, including eating spicy food right before I went to bed every night, taking lucid dreaming classes, and attending my girlfriend's funeral (I was in hard REM at the time), I finally had my interview with the Springwood Slasher.

The interview was scheduled for 10 p.m. EST, so I made sure to start throwing back the vodka sodas earlier than usual. Once brunch was over and my car was hugging a telephone pole, I drifted into sleep on a feathered cloud courtesy of my local EMTs and began my journey to the boiler room.

I arrived early and was informed by his secretary that Mr. Krueger was still in a meeting with Edward Scissorhands. Apparently, they were working on a secret handshake. She took my scrubs, offered me a cup of hot cocoa, and instructed me to sit on a two-step ladder by some water pipes.

Twenty minutes later, when the Nesquik went nuclear, there he was: the Sultan of Slit, the King of Gash, the Colossus of Carnage—Fredward Z. Krueger III himself. Like a gentleman, he apologized for the delay and extended his hand.

A few Band-Aids later, the interview began.

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CBE: So… Freddy… (distinguished silence, dramatic pen clicking)… Are you really sure your blades are clean? Because I know we used Neosporin and Band-Aids, but my hand is pretty cut up.

FK: Arrrrgggghhhh! I’m Freddy Krueger! Who be goes there? Arrrrrggghhh!

CBE: It’s funny. Up until now, I didn’t know you were a pirate.

FK: Hurry up the interview, or ye old buttocks be scootin’ down the plank! Scur-vy!

CBE: Alright, whatever. Onto the actual interview. So Freddy… tell me… What is your favorite color—

FK: Arrrrgggghhhh! I’m Freddy Krueger!

CBE: That was a joke. But seriously, your publicist said you wanted to finally address the rumors. What do ye have to say about ye’self? Did you really murder all those kids before the opening credits?

FK: Marge Thompson is a liar! Don’t you think 20 kids in a WHITE neighborhood getting killed would be national news? It never happened! Don’t you think that would have made the papers?

CBE: That’s a good point. Do I have anything in my teeth?

FK: And let me tell you another thing. If 20 kids were killed in Springwood at THAT time, they were from the broth of ye old bean bag, I tell ya. Why would I be killing the spawn of me spotted seed? 

CBE: Wait, what are you trying to say?

FK: Bro, it was the ’80s. The late disco and cocaine era. I’m talking about dumping out a gator rail on any bar in America—salad or watering hole bar—and playing slalom with a stranger. It’s just you two, The Outfield on the radio, and some chick with shorter hair than you. Nothing but swells in your heart and arousal in your whitewashed jeans. I was banging every mermaid who crossed me bow. Mhhhmm. I miss those days, man.

CBE: Buddy, you’re going to have to elaborate. This might be your realm, but I’m in the dream state here. I’m about one wave away from falling off a cliff and waking up, or banging my middle school nurse and waking up stuck to my sheets. What are you trying to say? 

FK: I, Captain Fred “Mercury” Krueger, used to be plundering the desperate housewives of Springwood. I had the key to unlock their chests, if ye catch me drift, me matey. 

CBE: An aptly named town, if I must say. You must have been springing lumber all day, eh?

FK: (laughing) Ye don’t be kidding, boyo.

CBE: But just so I know, and I have it on record, what EXACTLY are you saying—you were framed?

FK: Oh yeah, dude. Marge Thompson. We used to call her Large Barge Margey. She was pulling tugboats in and out of the canal, if you know what I mean. She thought her husband, who was just a cop, not a sheriff at the time, would kill her if he found out. So she made up this BS story.

CBE: About you whacking 20 kids off?

FK: What? No. About killing 20 neighborhood kids. First off, it never happened. No record whatsoever. But even if it did, I had an alibi. Trust me. Anytime between the hours of 1 and 12, I was getting it. You think this stupid Christmas-themed sweater is mine? No-no. I’m wearing this because Dr. Slipschitz got home 10 minutes early. I wouldn’t get caught dead in this thing, except, obviously- you know, I did. 

CBE: It is really bad. But, like, good bad. But anyways- is it your contention that the Largey Bargey the Marge made up the story, creating such a crazed foid frenzy that the local housewives decided to burn you alive instead of accepting the penance for their indiscretions?

FK: Has anything changed?

CBE: No. In fact, last week, bitches were reciting remixed nursery rhymes in favor of some bitch who murdered three of her kids.

FK: Exactly. You think I’d look like an Easter ham with herpes if bitches didn’t be wylin, bro?

CBE: You’ve made some good points… I think I’m peeing the bed now. So I think this is the end of the interview. Thank you for your time, Dr. Krueger.

FK: My pleasure.