President Trump Continues Attack on I Ran: “A Flock of Seagulls Were Trash!”

By: Ace Parker

CASINO BOOGIE (CBE)— For nearly six months, President Trump and “I Ran (So Far Away)” have been locked in combat.

What began as a limited operation has escalated into a full-blown war. Targeted strikes. Broken ceasefires. Growing fears of World War III—or, even worse, another ’80s new-wave revival.

The conflict began in the dead of night on February 27, 2026, when Trump posted on Truth Social: “I Ran is trash—absolutely awful song. A Flock of Seagulls were nothing more than NO-hit wonders, remembered only for their shitty haircuts. One of the worst hairstyles ever. Sad.”

I Ran was caught off guard but quickly retaliated by attacking Y.M.C.A., Trump’s longtime rally song, and criticizing his signature dance, describing it as “what three consenting dudes do in a sauna.”

For the next 40 days, both sides inflicted heavy damage, but neither achieved total victory. Trump repeatedly targeted the song’s synthesizers, bass line, and commercial relevance. I Ran countered by striking Trump’s musical taste as so vapid that it made blood-thinner commercials look like Mozart concertos. 

Finally, a ceasefire was brokered by Dexys Midnight Runners under the slogan: Come On, I Ran. 

The agreement brought three months of relative peace before collapsing in early July.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who had been providing Trump with intelligence and assisting his attacks, made his sixth visit of the year and warned that immediate action was necessary. 

“I Ran is two weeks away from trending on Spotify,” Netanyahu said. “If we take it out now, we can prevent an ’80s new-wave revival in the future.” 

Netanyahu presented data indicating that Americans under 30 had recently added the song to their summer playlists without understanding the geopolitical consequences. 

Trump responded by launching a fresh wave of attacks, hitting I Ran with 90 Truth Social posts in the opening barrage alone. 

Feeling it had no choice, I Ran retaliated by closing the Strait of Tainted Love, disrupting international shipments of eyeliner, cocaine, and skinny leather neckties. 

The utter destruction left in the wake of Trump’s attacks brought together a dangerous alliance of forgotten ‘80s acts. Men Without Hats condemned the assault, declaring that Trump doesn’t dance, and if he don’t dance, then he’s no friend of mine. Modern English raced to I Ran’s defense, declaring, “I Melt With You.” 

Despite international and domestic pressure, Trump has refused to back down. 

During a press conference, the president claimed that I Ran had been enriching synth keyboards for more than 40 years. 

“They’ve been stockpiling Roland RD-2000s for decades. Lots of keyboards. More keyboards than anyone could ever need. Very dangerous. And the hair— people say they hate it, I hate it, lots of people talking about the hair.” 

I Ran has denied possessing weapons-grade synthesizers, and insists any hoarding of instruments was intended for tours probably sponsored by Metamucil. 

Ceasefire negotiations have stalled, with Trump and Netanyahu demanding that the band dismantle its tour buses immediately. 

At press time, Trump announced that another operation could happen, but it was not definitive. 

“Nothing is set in stone. I know I’d be happier if we could drive A Flock of Seagulls away from our airwaves. We’d be a lot safer if they backed down.” 

A Flock of Seagulls could not be reached for further comment. 

Ace Parker 

Casino Boogie Entertainment