The Rock Steals Role From Literate-American

The minority group believes it’s cultural appropriation

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By: Ace Parker 

CASINO BOOGIE (CBE)--The man who calls himself The Rock because Dwayne is hard to spell is facing a hailstorm from America’s literate community. Long overlooked by Hollywood, this minority group claims the industry is deliberately erasing their existence from modern movies. Literates say the problem has reached a breaking point. 

“Films set in the present day have fewer than two roles for Literate-Americans. There are more characters shooting spiderwebs from their wrists than characters who can read a restaurant menu. For example, 2026’s The Devil Wears Prada 2 had one character capable of reading an analog clock. Unfortunately, the role went to Anne Hathaway, whose favorite book is a scratch-and-sniff version of Magic Mike. That role could have gone to a person who has a grasp of the written English language,” said Etta Molagy, spokesperson for DORK (Defenders of Reeders and Kounters). 

In recent years, a loud faction representing fewer than 1% of the American public has accused Hollywood of cultural appropriation and demanded more authentic casting. Scarlett Johansson withdrew from the movie Rub & Tug (actual title) because she is not a transgender man. Audiences were enraged when Timothée Chalamet played a heterosexual in Wonka, and when Jake Gyllenhaal played someone with athletic ability in Road House. Dakota Johnson has received flak for pretending to be an actress in her interviews.

The Rock subscribes to the idea of authenticity, even demanding strict Polynesian representation in the live-action Moana movie. 

“This is a movie about our people, and our culture. We should only see real people, real faces, and tell the real story.” 

It is this hypocrisy that has drawn the ire of organizations like DORK. 

“Literate-Americans are a minority group in America. Full stop. Hollywood pretends to look out for minority groups, and yet we get neglected. The Rock was adamant in his stance that only Polynesian people should act in Moana, so the same logic should apply to the role of Dr. Biceps,” said Lexi Caan of DORK. 

Dr. Biceps M.D.: Muscle Department, which is set for theaters in the spring of 2027, is the story of a shirtless doctor who solves crimes by having a stethoscope on his bare chest. There’s actually no plot in the film’s entire 120-minute runtime. The Rock just walks into examination rooms and says things like, “According to your test results, you have strep throat. That’s what these words say right here. And I read them.” There’s one scene that survived the cutting room floor where Dr. Biceps holds the test results upside down. 

Hollywood has spent the last two decades retroactively correcting its past casting mistakes. The industry apologized to the Mongol warlord community for John Wayne’s portrayal of Genghis Khan, which is probably the funniest role ever committed to film. When Steven Spielberg remade West Side Story in 2021, he made sure to cast real Latinos instead of gringos.

DORK applauds the effort, but says Literate-Americans are still waiting for their own reckoning. 

The Rock denies claims of cultural appropriation, stating that he’s partially literate on his mother’s side. When pressed on the issue, his representatives sent Casino Boogie several autographs as proof. 

Each autograph was simply a drawing of a rock. 

Ace Parker 

Casino Boogie Entertainment