Idris Elba DEMANDS Knives Banned, Teeth Removed To Stop UK Violence Surge
- Doris Blatnoyd
- Feb 8
- 4 min read
“Oy! 100% of biting attacks happen at teethpoint.” Idris Elba, but wif a British acksent, so it sounds less r’tarded.
By: Doris Blatnoyd
Casino Boogie British Correspondent
UNITED KINGDOM (CBE)-
When speaking the King’s English, the word fag means cigarette (‘Ay, you want to go into the alley an’ pull onna couple fags mate?’), and cunt is slang for a bowling ball (‘I don’t stick me fingers in the koont, I jus’ palmitt.’). So finding the appropriate insult can be difficult for Americans when describing their oldest ally and rival. One man's curse word is another’s term of endearment as they say. So let’s just use their words in this article.
Since 1996, when these flaming cigarettes gave up their guns, knife-related crimes have increased nearly 200%. For those of you too dense or propagandized to understand math, the skinny of that statistic is: when law-abiding citizens lose their right to defend themselves, violent criminals have more power. It turns out criminals aren’t concerned with the intricacies of LAW. Shocking I know, almost like Merriam and Webster could have told you that. For those of you too dense to understand the trickle-down of this: the people most affected by this policy are women and children. Want some facts to back -you self-righteous bowling balls?
The number of women killed, injured, or threatened by knife DOUBLED from 6,000 in 2018 to 13,700 in 2022. This led to a 73% increase in the number of women arrested for carrying knives for self-defense purposes. In the United Kingdom (yeah, which kingdoms united- mammal and REPTILE?), the police penalize the person protecting themselves from crime instead of the criminal. Want one more?
In London alone, knife crimes have increased over 100% since the late 90’s, including a rise of 16% in ONE YEAR. Wow! It’s almost like the people in charge have no solution whatsoever. Those of you with properly functioning eyes and brains might even say they want it to happen.
But a new hero arises.
Idris Elba, acclaimed British actor of Idris Elba movies, has a plan to eliminate London’s sharp point problem. BAN OR BLUNT THE KNIVES.
“Oy! I’m Idris Elba! What gives you the right to cut a pineapple mate? Just ‘av the guv’ment cut them shits for you! Criminals use that stuff for crime! So you can’t ‘av it! Don’t give me your boo-shit, boo-shit, boo-shit about being a law-abiding chef or a mum eiv’a. You don’t get to own a weapon because you needa cut a ‘ed of lettuce lads.”
You know you're onto something good when you have the same idea as the Bolsheviks, Chairman Mao, and Pol Pot. But Elba takes it a step further. He wants to take everything that can be used as a weapon off the streets.
“ Oy! Why would you need a fully automatic Pez Dispens’a mate. Them shits is weapon, innit? That fork ain’t wurf it mate, use ya fingers. ‘At ice cream cone is pretty sharp too. Ban them shits. Get it in a cup ya wanka.”
The star of blockbusters such as Idris Elba movie 1 and Idris Elba movie 2, isn’t just focused on kitchen utensils and pointed foods, he also wants the government to look into banning parts of the human anatomy that can be used for violence.
“Me think’st in the fu’cha mate, we should look inna banning teef. If we ‘ave the guv’ment chew our food for us, we wouldn’t need teeth altogeth’a. Smart, innit? You see, I could read Amlet man, that’s Shakespeare mate. That makes me smart’a than you guv’na. I’s is smart, I am. So you should jus lis’n to me mate. Youra schtupit lil’ farma, and imma act’a. So just lis’n to me, and do what yor told mate.”
When pressed on the fact that teeth are also used for speaking, Elba responded: “Then we’ll all learn sign language mate! It’s not that ‘ard!”
A rebuttal was then lobbied back at him about the human hand’s role in violence.
“Then we’ll get rid’a the arms mate! Stop being a far-right conspiracy theorist. We’re talking about making the streets safe you fascist! Safe from punching, so no more waving 'ello. Safe from bein’ choked, so we’ll have to sacrifice holding, hugging, touching, squeezing, and loving. Safe from biting, so no more talking, chewing, or singing. We'll 'ave to make sacrifices to make the world 100% safe!”
Elba is considered the frontrunner to play the next James Bond. Because movie studios are more interested in being social curators than making great art or money, he’ll probably get it. They’ll probably make him gay too because mainlining social causes into art is more important than giving your hard-working citizens something to relieve their stresses and escape the mendacity of everyday life.
It is unclear what Elba’s James Bond will use to stop the criminals in the movie. Maybe he could use crocodile tears to give the overtly Russian villains high cholesterol. Perhaps, he’ll stop the bomb from going off by planking his limbless torso on it.
Doris Blatnoyd
Casino Boogie
British Correspondent
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