Adult Veruca Salt’s Demands Making Father Uncomfortable
- Doris Blatnoyd
- Jan 15
- 2 min read
“Daddy I want fake jugs. The biggest on the block! I want them to look like a photo finish in a blimp race Daddy.”
By: Doris Blatnoyd
Casino Boogie’s British Correspondent
CASINO BOOGIE (CBE)- Since we last saw her plummeting down the bad egg chute in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt’s gluttonous greed has yet to curb its appetite. If only Mr. Salt had heeded the oompa-loompa’s warnings. Now twenty-five years old, Salt’s list of demands has evolved from pink macaroons, a million balloons, or performing baboons into the sort of things the Hilton sisters asked their father for.
“🎼I want big jugs
I want big boo-bies
Stretchy's and hefty’s
Not perky but zesty
A most billowing chesty
And give-it-to-me now! 🎼”
Mr. Salt, who moved his peanut factory to China in order to keep up with her tapeworm desire, has begun to find it increasingly more troubling to grant her more adult presents.
“My sweet angel used to demand the latest fashions- a doll, three mink coats, a month in a Tuscan Villa. Simple, temporary things! Now she’s asking for nose jobs and huge honking babylon's! Two hinderbergs she says! It breaks my heart to see her unhappy, but I don’t feel right giving my princess artificial udders.”
The patriarch of the Salt family clarified that he hasn’t officially said no to the cosmetic maimings, but he also hasn’t said yes, and that she COULD pay for some things on her own.
“You’re a rotten, mean father. If I don’t have bigger gadzookas than Violet Beauregard, I’ll never speak to you ever again! You should see her Instagram. She gets three times the likes of me. Even Augustus Gloop has bigger norks than me.”
As the negotiations and holdouts between Veruca and Mr. Salt continue to search for fair compromises, the demands have begun to balloon. Veruca, taking a page out of the Kidnapper's Guide To Better Ransom, has begun to ask for things that’ll make collagen lips look like fizzy lifting drinks.
“Daddy, I want to sleep with a black man.”
“Veruca darling- you’re not thinking clearly. I think you’ve come down with the flu.”
“It’s not the flu-it’s jungle fevah daddy. And don’t you dare to stop me!”
“ 🎼I want Tyrone’s
I want De-An-Dre’s
I want Tupac’s and Biggie’s
And Snoop Dogg’s and Diddy’s
Kanye’s and Jay-Z’s
And now!
Don’t care how, I want it now! 🎼”
Casino Boogie will continue to follow this ongoing development and report back when we know if she pilfered the old man for a new pair of knockers or an Everlasting Throbstopper from a member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Doris Blatnoyd
Casino Boogie Entertainment
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